People with mental illnesses should take care not to get stressed out over the festive season, the SA Depression and Anxiety Group said on Wednesday.
The Christmas holidays could be stressful for anyone, the organisation said in a statement.
But for people with illnesses such as depression or bipolar disorder, it could lead to a worsening of symptoms.
People with illness should know their limits in the face of large crowds and huge family gatherings.
"Remember that your health comes first and if crowds and huge get-togethers aren’t your thing, opt to go to the smaller gatherings instead," the organisation said.
If large gatherings were unavoidable, sufferers should always have an exit strategy.
"Be prepared with an excuse beforehand - when you’re feeling out-of-sorts or in the midst of a melt-down, making up excuses isn’t really possible," it said.
It also warned that alcohol often interfered with medication, and could set people with mental illness on a roller-coaster of emotions.
"A few hours of pleasure aren't worth a week of pain."
People uncomfortable in crowds should do shopping online, or get friends to run errands.
They should also not forget to take their medication, and should be prepared to ask for professional help at the first sign of stress
http://www.health24.com
Marriage good for mind and body
Despite the barbs of comedians and the spectacular bust-ups documented in the gossip magazines, marriage really is good for you, international research has found.
A study of nearly 34,500 people in 15 countries found married people are less likely to suffer from depression, anxiety and substance abuse, clinical psychologist Kate Scott of New Zealand's University of Otago said Tuesday.
"What our study points to is that the marital relationship offers a lot of mental health benefits for both men and women, and that the distress and disruption associated with ending marriage can make people vulnerable to developing mental disorders," Scott said.
Singles risk mental health
Being separated, divorced, or widowed is associated with increased risk of mental health disorders in both men and women, particularly with depression in men and drugs and alcohol abuse in women.
"One of the more important findings is that in recent years it has been asserted that marriage is better for men than for women in terms of mental health. This study does not agree with that position," Scott said.
"We found that compared to never getting married, getting married is good for both men and women in terms of most mental health disorders."
But the study did find that men were less likely to become depressed in their first marriage than women, and Scott said this might be due to women being more likely to follow the traditional role of a wife first time around.
Less traditional roles
Other studies have found that as gender roles have become less traditional, with women working more and becoming better educated, female depression has fallen.
The latest study also found getting married reduced the risk of substance abuse more for women than for men.
This might be due to evidence that women cut their alcohol consumption sharply when they became pregnant and this often continued while the children were young, Scott said.
The study was based on the WHO World Mental Health surveys across developing and developed countries conducted over the past decade.
http://www.health24.com
A study of nearly 34,500 people in 15 countries found married people are less likely to suffer from depression, anxiety and substance abuse, clinical psychologist Kate Scott of New Zealand's University of Otago said Tuesday.
"What our study points to is that the marital relationship offers a lot of mental health benefits for both men and women, and that the distress and disruption associated with ending marriage can make people vulnerable to developing mental disorders," Scott said.
Singles risk mental health
Being separated, divorced, or widowed is associated with increased risk of mental health disorders in both men and women, particularly with depression in men and drugs and alcohol abuse in women.
"One of the more important findings is that in recent years it has been asserted that marriage is better for men than for women in terms of mental health. This study does not agree with that position," Scott said.
"We found that compared to never getting married, getting married is good for both men and women in terms of most mental health disorders."
But the study did find that men were less likely to become depressed in their first marriage than women, and Scott said this might be due to women being more likely to follow the traditional role of a wife first time around.
Less traditional roles
Other studies have found that as gender roles have become less traditional, with women working more and becoming better educated, female depression has fallen.
The latest study also found getting married reduced the risk of substance abuse more for women than for men.
This might be due to evidence that women cut their alcohol consumption sharply when they became pregnant and this often continued while the children were young, Scott said.
The study was based on the WHO World Mental Health surveys across developing and developed countries conducted over the past decade.
http://www.health24.com
Cuts, abrasions and bruises
Wounds comprise injuries that break or remove the skin (such as cuts and abrasions). Most small wounds can be treated successfully at home. The aim of first aid is to promote healing and to minimise the risk of infection.
Large wounds or severe bleeding need immediate medical attention as blood loss can lead to falling blood pressure and shock.
Signs
Blisters that are draining can become infected and should be covered until a scab forms.
Home treatment
There are signs of infection (fever, pus, red streaks extending from the blister, swelling and redness)
If the injury involves more than the fingertip, the person should see a doctor.
http://www.health24.com
Large wounds or severe bleeding need immediate medical attention as blood loss can lead to falling blood pressure and shock.
Get help if:
- The wound is large or deep and bleeding cannot be controlled after 10 minutes of applying pressure
- The person has lost of lot blood, is drowsy or pale
- There is numbness or weakness in the limb beyond the wound
- There is something stuck in the wound
- The person cannot move his fingers or toes
- Stitches are required
- The wound is on the face or neck
Home treatment
Minor wounds- Most minor wounds stop bleeding on their own. If bleeding continues, apply pressure to the wound with a clean bandage.
- Wash the skin around the wound with soap and water. Hold the wound under running water to remove dirt. Pat the wound dry with sterile gauze and apply antiseptic ointment.
- In the case of cuts, close the wound with sterile adhesive wound closure strips. If strips are not available, cover the wound with clean gauze and adhesive tape. Don’t use cotton wool. Adhesive non-adherent bandages can be used for abrasions that continue to ooze blood.
- Change the dressings at least once a day and watch for infection – remember that an infection will only be obvious after a day or two.
- For deeper cuts or severe bleeding, apply direct pressure onto the wound with a clean towel or gauze and follow first aid for severe bleeding.
- If there is a foreign object in the wound, don’t attempt to remove it. Apply pressure around the wound. Build padding around the object to the same height as the object and secure it with a bandage.
See a doctor if:
- There are signs of infection (such as extensive redness and swelling, a general sick feeling, pus from the wound or a temperature above 37.7°C).
- The wound has been contaminated with dirt or gravel and the injured person hasn't had a tetanus injection in the past ten years.
- The wound hasn't healed after two weeks. (Minor facial wounds usually take three to five days to heal, wounds on the chest and arms should take between five and nine days, and on the leg wounds, seven to twelve days)
Stitches
If a wound doesn't close easily, the wound is deep (more than 0.6cm), gaping or jagged-edged, you may need stitches to promote healing, prevent infection and minimise scarring. Stitches are often necessary in small children as they tend to remove dressings, or if the cut is on the face or hands or joints. Stitching should be done within eight hours.Bruises
A bruise is dark discolouration of skin caused by blood seeping under the skin after small blood vessels near the surface of the skin have been broken. As the bruise heals, the body breaks this blood down and reabsorbs it, turning the area a typical greenish-blue. Bruises are more common in people who are on treatment to prevent blood clots (warfarin, coumarin, heparin or aspirin).Signs
- Pain
- Tenderness
- Change in colour of the skin (red, purple of black)
- Swelling
- There is a bruise as a result of an injury to the loin or flank, and blood is present in the urine. This could indicate injury to the kidneys or other organs.
- The bruise is the result of a serious fall from a tricycle, bicycle or any other traumatic accident (a jungle gym tumble, for example). Your doctor may want to check for less obvious injuries.
- Head injury is followed by a bruise. You banged your head and have a bruise behind the ear; it may be a sign of a skull fracture.
Most bruises are relatively minor and will get better on their own over a period of about ten days.
- If the bruise is quite large and swollen, then you can apply ice packs to reduce the swelling. This will also relieve the pain. Make an ice-pack by wrapping ice or frozen peas in a damp cloth. Don’t put it directly on the skin as this could cause damage. Put the ice-pack on for 10-20 minutes every two hours for the first 24 hours and every four hours for a further 24 hours.
- Elevate the area if the bruise is on a leg or an arm to reduce swelling.
- A pain killer such as paracetamol can be used if needed.
- A bruise that doesn't fade in 14 days.
- The person is in pain for more than 24 hours or if pain on the site of the bruise gets worse; this may be caused by a broken bone.
Blisters
Blisters can develop from friction against the skin or as a result of burns or certain illnesses.Blisters that are draining can become infected and should be covered until a scab forms.
Home treatment
- Don't treat blisters that are small and closed.
- If blisters are caused by friction, avoid the clothing or activity which caused it.
- Protect blisters on the foot with a circular moleskin pad which covers the area around the blister but not the blister itself.
- Drain large blisters (more than 2.5 cm across): hold a needle over an open flame to sterile it and use it to make a hole at the edge of the blister. Gently squeeze the blister to drain the fluid through the hole. Smooth the skin that covers the blister flat - don't remove it.
- Wash the area with soap and water and apply an antibiotic ointment and sterile bandage.
- Don't use a bandage at night.
- Change the bandage at least once a day.
There are signs of infection (fever, pus, red streaks extending from the blister, swelling and redness)
Crushed fingers
If the injury is limited to the fingertip and the finger is not deformed or severely swollen, there is seldom need to visit the doctor. Apply an ice pack to reduce the swelling.If the injury involves more than the fingertip, the person should see a doctor.
Blood under the nail
The pressure created by blood under the nail can be very painful. Draining the blood through a hole will relieve the pain.- Straighten a steel paper clip. Hold it with a pair of pliers and heat the tip in a flame until it is red hot.
- Place the hot tip of the paper clip on the nail and allow it to melt through – don't use any pressure. This is a painless procedure as the nail has no nerve endings. Reheat the paper clip if necessary. The blood will seep through the hole.
- If the problem returns, repeat the procedure using the same hole.
http://www.health24.com
Good nutrition on a shoestring
Worldwide changes in eating patterns and ever-growing transport costs have seen food prices soar in recent months. And, experts warn, there’s no relief in sight.
If not you, then someone you know might already be struggling to make ends meet. Unfortunately, good nutrition is non-negotiable. One has to try to eat a varied, balanced diet – even if your budget is tight.
So, on a mission to try to find out how to give one’s money that extra bit of stretch, we asked the Nutrition Information Centre from the University of Stellenbosch (NICUS) for help. They responded with a basic 7-day menu (see below). They also provided the following great money-saving tips:
1. A protein-rich food such as dried beans, meat, fish, eggs or cheese, or a combination of these, should form part of the main meal every day. Legumes are a good substitute for animal products, which can be expensive. For example, foods made from soya have a high nutritional value and are much cheaper than foods made from animal protein.
2. Make meat go further by “stretching” it with other foods, for example by adding more dried beans, lentils, potatoes or other vegetables to stews. Lentils and chicken combine well in a curried dish.
3. Mix mashed, cooked dried beans with mince or fish to make meat loaf, fish cakes or meatballs.
4. Choose meat that has less bones and fat. This means that soup bones are a bad buy. Buy a packet of dried beans instead – it’s better value for money.
5. Buy tinned fish, e.g. pilchards or tuna – it’s generally cheaper than buying fresh fish.
6. Buying a bigger chicken usually yields more meat and less bone proportionally than a smaller chicken.
7. Buy less tinned meat, polony and other cold meats and sausage. Processed meat is usually expensive and often contains fillings like fat, gravy, vegetables and/or cereals in large quantities.
8. Skim milk powder can be an economical form of milk. Look for the Real Dairy mark as this guarantees high nutritional value. Steer clear of coffee creamers: they aren’t made from milk and don’t contain the nutrients that build bones and teeth.
9. Use yoghurt, condensed milk and evaporated milk sparingly, as these items can be quite expensive. Buying a large tub of yoghurt (500ml or 1 litre) often works out cheaper than buying small containers (175ml).
10. Don’t cut down on fruit and vegetable intake. These are “protective foods” that guard against disease. Rather save money by buying more vegetables (fruit is generally more expensive). Fresh fruit and vegetables are also cheaper than canned or frozen ones.
11. Buy fruit and vegetables in season and cook them in different ways for variety. Limit the purchasing of expensive vegetables such as mushrooms, green peppers and bean sprouts. Find cheaper ways to flavour dishes.
12. Buy unrefined foods whenever possible. Refining makes a product more expensive and the process strips it of fibre, vitamins and minerals. For example, standard brown bread is often cheaper than white bread, and generally much cheaper than special breads and rolls.
13. Save by buying maize meal – the cheapest kind of porridge. Maltabella or oats porridge generally cost three times as much, and instant cereals are even more expensive.
7-day economical menu
This basic menu can be used as a guideline to balanced, economical meals for one week:
DAY 1
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with soft margarine and jam
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine and baked beans
Sliced tomato
Seasonal fruit
Low-fat milk
Supper and/or snack
Rice/maize rice
Beef
Cabbage
Carrots
Sunflower or canola oil
Seasonal fruit
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
DAY 2
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with peanut butter
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine and jam
Seasonal fruit
Low-fat milk
Supper and/or snack
Maize porridge, cooked
Pilchards, canned
Tomato and onions
Cabbage
Pumpkin
Sunflower or canola oil
Seasonal fruit
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
DAY 3
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with soft margarine and jam
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine Boiled egg
Tomato
Seasonal fruit
Low-fat milk
Supper and/or snack
Samp & beans: 1:1 cooked Spinach
Carrots
Sunflower or canola oil
Seasonal fruit
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
DAY 4
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with peanut butter
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine and jam
Seasonal fruit
Supper and/or snack
Chicken giblets
Sweet potato
Green beans
Pumpkin
Sunflower or canola oil
Seasonal fruit
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
DAY 5
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with soft margarine and jam
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine and pilchards
Sliced tomato
Seasonal fruit
Low-fat milk
Supper and/or snack
Rice/maize rice
Lentils
Green beans
Carrots
Sunflower or canola oil
Seasonal fruit
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
DAY 6
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with peanut butter
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine and jam
Seasonal fruit
Low-fat milk
Supper and/or snack
Samp & beans: 1:1: cooked
Tomato and onion
Spinach
Pumpkin
Sunflower or canola oil
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Seasonal fruit
DAY 7
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with soft margarine and jam
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine
Egg
Tomato
Seasonal fruit
Low-fat milk
Supper and/or snack
Chicken
Potato
Split peas
Carrots
Sunflower or canola oil
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Seasonal fruit
Source: I-Net Bridge
(This is an edited version of an article by Carine van Rooyen as it appears in The Big Issue magazine, December 2007.)
http://www.health24.com
If not you, then someone you know might already be struggling to make ends meet. Unfortunately, good nutrition is non-negotiable. One has to try to eat a varied, balanced diet – even if your budget is tight.
So, on a mission to try to find out how to give one’s money that extra bit of stretch, we asked the Nutrition Information Centre from the University of Stellenbosch (NICUS) for help. They responded with a basic 7-day menu (see below). They also provided the following great money-saving tips:
1. A protein-rich food such as dried beans, meat, fish, eggs or cheese, or a combination of these, should form part of the main meal every day. Legumes are a good substitute for animal products, which can be expensive. For example, foods made from soya have a high nutritional value and are much cheaper than foods made from animal protein.
2. Make meat go further by “stretching” it with other foods, for example by adding more dried beans, lentils, potatoes or other vegetables to stews. Lentils and chicken combine well in a curried dish.
3. Mix mashed, cooked dried beans with mince or fish to make meat loaf, fish cakes or meatballs.
4. Choose meat that has less bones and fat. This means that soup bones are a bad buy. Buy a packet of dried beans instead – it’s better value for money.
5. Buy tinned fish, e.g. pilchards or tuna – it’s generally cheaper than buying fresh fish.
6. Buying a bigger chicken usually yields more meat and less bone proportionally than a smaller chicken.
7. Buy less tinned meat, polony and other cold meats and sausage. Processed meat is usually expensive and often contains fillings like fat, gravy, vegetables and/or cereals in large quantities.
8. Skim milk powder can be an economical form of milk. Look for the Real Dairy mark as this guarantees high nutritional value. Steer clear of coffee creamers: they aren’t made from milk and don’t contain the nutrients that build bones and teeth.
9. Use yoghurt, condensed milk and evaporated milk sparingly, as these items can be quite expensive. Buying a large tub of yoghurt (500ml or 1 litre) often works out cheaper than buying small containers (175ml).
10. Don’t cut down on fruit and vegetable intake. These are “protective foods” that guard against disease. Rather save money by buying more vegetables (fruit is generally more expensive). Fresh fruit and vegetables are also cheaper than canned or frozen ones.
11. Buy fruit and vegetables in season and cook them in different ways for variety. Limit the purchasing of expensive vegetables such as mushrooms, green peppers and bean sprouts. Find cheaper ways to flavour dishes.
12. Buy unrefined foods whenever possible. Refining makes a product more expensive and the process strips it of fibre, vitamins and minerals. For example, standard brown bread is often cheaper than white bread, and generally much cheaper than special breads and rolls.
13. Save by buying maize meal – the cheapest kind of porridge. Maltabella or oats porridge generally cost three times as much, and instant cereals are even more expensive.
7-day economical menu
This basic menu can be used as a guideline to balanced, economical meals for one week:
DAY 1
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with soft margarine and jam
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine and baked beans
Sliced tomato
Seasonal fruit
Low-fat milk
Supper and/or snack
Rice/maize rice
Beef
Cabbage
Carrots
Sunflower or canola oil
Seasonal fruit
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
DAY 2
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with peanut butter
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine and jam
Seasonal fruit
Low-fat milk
Supper and/or snack
Maize porridge, cooked
Pilchards, canned
Tomato and onions
Cabbage
Pumpkin
Sunflower or canola oil
Seasonal fruit
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
DAY 3
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with soft margarine and jam
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine Boiled egg
Tomato
Seasonal fruit
Low-fat milk
Supper and/or snack
Samp & beans: 1:1 cooked Spinach
Carrots
Sunflower or canola oil
Seasonal fruit
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
DAY 4
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with peanut butter
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine and jam
Seasonal fruit
Supper and/or snack
Chicken giblets
Sweet potato
Green beans
Pumpkin
Sunflower or canola oil
Seasonal fruit
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
DAY 5
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with soft margarine and jam
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine and pilchards
Sliced tomato
Seasonal fruit
Low-fat milk
Supper and/or snack
Rice/maize rice
Lentils
Green beans
Carrots
Sunflower or canola oil
Seasonal fruit
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
DAY 6
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with peanut butter
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine and jam
Seasonal fruit
Low-fat milk
Supper and/or snack
Samp & beans: 1:1: cooked
Tomato and onion
Spinach
Pumpkin
Sunflower or canola oil
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Seasonal fruit
DAY 7
Breakfast and/or snack
Maize porridge, with low-fat milk and sugar
Brown bread, with soft margarine and jam
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Lunch and/or snack
Brown/wholewheat bread, with soft margarine
Egg
Tomato
Seasonal fruit
Low-fat milk
Supper and/or snack
Chicken
Potato
Split peas
Carrots
Sunflower or canola oil
Tea/coffee, with low-fat milk and sugar
Seasonal fruit
Source: I-Net Bridge
(This is an edited version of an article by Carine van Rooyen as it appears in The Big Issue magazine, December 2007.)
http://www.health24.com
Boffins Net Secret To Real-Life Spider-Man Suit
Ever dreamed of scaling a city skyscraper like Spider-Man? Well, scientists say they are getting close to designing a real-life 'Spider-Man suit' which would allow the wearer to stick to the side of buildings.
Coming to a skyscraper near you...
The breakthrough came after research into a microscopic 'velcro' used by real spiders, which allows them to cling to smooth surfaces while being easy to detach.
A report in the Journal of Physics says the technology could allow a person to crawl up the side of a wall or hang upside down from a roof.
Italian scientists have calculated how sufficient stickiness could be generated to support a fully grown human's weight.
But before Spidey fans start saving for a deposit on one of the suits, there's a note of caution from the man who led the research.
Professor Nicola Pugno, of the Polytechnic of Turin, said: "There are a number of other mechanics that need addressing before the Spider-Man suit can become a reality."
The strength of the adhesion requires further study, as does the potential muscle fatigue in humans scaling walls for hours on end.
However, Prof Pugno admits: "Now that we are this step closer, it may not be long before we are seeing people climbing up the Empire State Building with nothing but sticky shoes and gloves to support them."
Italian boffin designs gecko-tech spiderman suit
The French Spider-Man Is At It Again
Citizens to get superhero powers?
Invisibility cloaks and walking up walls
By Maxim Kelly, ElectricNews.net
Posted in Physics, 2nd August 2006
While we most likely won't be commuting to work in flying cars in the near future, we could soon be climbing the walls and wearing invisibility cloaks.
Tom Cassin, head of the technology, media and telecommunications practice at Deloitte, predicts that although we won't be watching holographic TV or travelling to work in flying cars by 2010, "technology [in the future] will be far more involved in our everyday lives than ever before".
While the concept of personal flying machines may still be far off, we may get the chance to walk up walls if transatlantic aerospace and defence company BAE Systems has anything to do with it. The firm is currently working on what the media has dubbed "Spiderman suits", which will allow soldiers of the future to scale sheer vertical surfaces.
Referred to as "infantry climbing suits" by the company, they are reportedly made from a material that closely mimics the feet of a gecko lizard. Gecko feet are themselves covered with hairs so tiny they merge with the very molecules they touch.
Dr Jeff Sargent, a research physicist at BAE Systems' Advanced Technology Centre in Bristol told reporters: "We wanted to mimic this ability...We have made a small amount of this material and we have demonstrated that it will stick on glass surfaces to demonstrate that it's got some potential.
"Having a Spiderman glove is a long way down the road, but in principle, you might have something like that," he added.
So far the potential applications for these suits have all been military-related, but ENN's resident futurologists have suggested a range of other interesting applications, in the areas of standard field sports, public transport space-saving, search and rescue assistance, and a number of other potentially illegal deployments which we can't go into.
Meanwhile, if the guys at BAE Systems ever team up with their fellow superhero fans at the University of St Andrews in Scotland, then we could all be in trouble. St Andrews theoretical physicist Dr Ulf Leonhardt published research on Monday which describes the physics behind invisibility devices.
Invisibility is an optical illusion confusing the viewer into believing an object or person is not present. Dr Leonhardt uses the example of water circling around a stone. The water flows in, swirls around the stone and then leaves as if nothing was there.
"If you replace the water with light then you would not see that there was something present because the light is guided around the person or object. You would see the light coming from the scenery behind as if there was nothing in front," Dr Leonhardt told Reuters.
In a highly technical description, Dr Leonhardt said the possibility of invisibility cloaks is a real one, but it would be of the Invisible Woman format of Marvel comics' fame, rather than the Harry Potter variety.
"What the Invisible Woman does is curve space around herself to bend light. What these devices would do is to mimic that curved space," he said. Dr Leonhardt added that one of the potential applications of this principle we may see soon is metamaterials which bend radar or electromagnetic waves used by mobile phones. The devices could be used as protection mechanisms so radiation emitted from mobile phones does not penetrate electronic equipment, but rather is guided around it.
By Maxim Kelly, ElectricNews.net
Posted in Physics, 2nd August 2006
While we most likely won't be commuting to work in flying cars in the near future, we could soon be climbing the walls and wearing invisibility cloaks.
Tom Cassin, head of the technology, media and telecommunications practice at Deloitte, predicts that although we won't be watching holographic TV or travelling to work in flying cars by 2010, "technology [in the future] will be far more involved in our everyday lives than ever before".
Referred to as "infantry climbing suits" by the company, they are reportedly made from a material that closely mimics the feet of a gecko lizard. Gecko feet are themselves covered with hairs so tiny they merge with the very molecules they touch.
Dr Jeff Sargent, a research physicist at BAE Systems' Advanced Technology Centre in Bristol told reporters: "We wanted to mimic this ability...We have made a small amount of this material and we have demonstrated that it will stick on glass surfaces to demonstrate that it's got some potential.
"Having a Spiderman glove is a long way down the road, but in principle, you might have something like that," he added.
So far the potential applications for these suits have all been military-related, but ENN's resident futurologists have suggested a range of other interesting applications, in the areas of standard field sports, public transport space-saving, search and rescue assistance, and a number of other potentially illegal deployments which we can't go into.
Meanwhile, if the guys at BAE Systems ever team up with their fellow superhero fans at the University of St Andrews in Scotland, then we could all be in trouble. St Andrews theoretical physicist Dr Ulf Leonhardt published research on Monday which describes the physics behind invisibility devices.
Invisibility is an optical illusion confusing the viewer into believing an object or person is not present. Dr Leonhardt uses the example of water circling around a stone. The water flows in, swirls around the stone and then leaves as if nothing was there.
"If you replace the water with light then you would not see that there was something present because the light is guided around the person or object. You would see the light coming from the scenery behind as if there was nothing in front," Dr Leonhardt told Reuters.
In a highly technical description, Dr Leonhardt said the possibility of invisibility cloaks is a real one, but it would be of the Invisible Woman format of Marvel comics' fame, rather than the Harry Potter variety.
"What the Invisible Woman does is curve space around herself to bend light. What these devices would do is to mimic that curved space," he said. Dr Leonhardt added that one of the potential applications of this principle we may see soon is metamaterials which bend radar or electromagnetic waves used by mobile phones. The devices could be used as protection mechanisms so radiation emitted from mobile phones does not penetrate electronic equipment, but rather is guided around it.
Coming soon... a super you
We may soon be able to scale vertical walls like Spider-man thanks to scientists. What other superhero characteristics are achievable for mere mortals? It's the stuff of dreams, but a spider-man suit that allows the wearer to scale vertical walls could become a reality.
Italian scientists have worked out how the natural technology used by real spiders could allow a person to crawl up the side of a skyscraper or hang upside down from a roof.
Has science finally caught up with comic book, and what other superhero characteristics could humans soon have?
X-RAY VISION
A team of Scottish scientists say they are close to developing X-ray spectacles that will give the wearer "super-human" vision.  Superman has X-ray vision |
So-called millimetre-wave scanners, which produce an image similar to an X-ray and can see through clothes have already been developed. But researchers at Glasgow University believe they could soon use this technology to produce X-ray goggles.
These would emit terahertz radiation - ultra-high frequency beams of light - which bounce off the object being viewed and return to the spectacles to create a detailed image on the inside of the lens.
The waves, which would be fired through engineered crystals to create three-dimensional pictures, pass straight through "flimsy" materials such as cloth, paper and plastics, but cannot penetrate dense material such as flesh or metal.
The scientists say the device could provide far more detailed images than conventional X-ray scanners and allow wearers to differentiate Semtex from modelling clay, for instance, or cocaine from sugar. This would make it a useful tool for policing, counter-terrorism and airport security.
INVISIBILITY
Ever since HG Wells wrote The Invisible Man, people have dreamt of disappearing. But no chemical can turn people transparent, and invisibility has always been considered impossible.  Not conspicuous at all |
A camera on the suit takes a picture of what's behind the wearer and projects this onto the front of the suit. Anyone looking directly at the suit would see what is behind it.
With enough cameras positioned on the suit and with the material made of flexible monitors, a person wearing an advanced version of this suit would blend in totally with their environment.
The invisible car used in the James Bond movie, Die Another Day, uses an advanced version of this technology, says Robert Weinberg, author of The Science of Supervillains. The technology may also be useful for pilots, to make the floors of their cockpits appear transparent for landing.
LEVITATION
Step aside X-Man Magneto. Scientists have already managed to levitate frogs - could humans be next?
 Wolverine, with his metal skeleton, is easy for Magneto to levitate |
Since frogs are mostly water, scientists have found that if they use a strong enough magnetic field, they can levitate a frog without harming it in any way.
The human body is composed of about 70% water so the same principle could apply. The problem is generating the necessary magnetic field to do so - it would require the output of a nuclear power station, scientists say.
LIE-DETECTING LASSO
An early proponent of the lie-detection machine - or polygraph - was the psychologist William Marston, who is also credited with creating Wonder Woman. Probably explains why her kit includes a lie-detecting lasso.
 Tell her no lies... |
Using electrodes around the body, the polygraph measures all of these physiological changes while the subject is being questioned.
When a person takes a lie-detector test, sensors are attached to their body. Signals from the sensors are recorded on a single strip of moving paper.
Just place those sensors in a lasso and the machine to print out the reading in a handy backpack, and away you go.
Taken from the BBC News
Britney Spears: The Complete Photo Timeline and Cover Stories
Feb 07, 2008 6:58 PM EST
In the current cover story, Vanessa Grigoriadis examines the tragedy of Britney Spears, a star whose downward trajectory from chart-topping international superstar to hospitalized object of curiosity is more stunning considering how high Spears' career soared just a few short years ago, and how quickly she careened out of control. To illustrate the evolution of Spears from child star to teen-pop sensation to paparazzi magnet, Rock Daily has assembled a photo timeline of her life and posted her six previous Rolling Stone cover stories from April 15, 1999, May 25, 2000, September 13, 2001, December 6/13, 2001, October 3, 2002 and October 2, 2003. To watch all twenty-four of Spears' music videos, click here.
Unnatural selection
Article By: Marlowe Hood
Thu, 12 Feb 2009iafrica.com
flickr.comPicture this: prospective parents excitedly clicking through an online catalogue, ticking off the optimal mix of traits for their yet-to-be-conceived child.
Will they opt for blue eyes or brown? Perhaps green, for a touch of originality? What colour skin? And do they want a boy or a girl?
Are they aiming for an Olympian athlete, or will they stack the deck in favour of intellectual prowess? Why not both?
For some people, this would be a dream come true. For others, a nightmare of widening inequality touching on eugenics.
For biologists, it raises acute questions about evolution.
The principle of species change through natural selection was set down by Charles Darwin, who was born 200 years ago on 12 February.
But what "natural selection" means when it comes to Homo sapiens is hard to define. It has already been challenged by medicine, habitat, diet and other factors that affect lifespan, reproduction and survivability.
Genetic selection means our species' evolutionary path would be even more radically changed.
Building humans
We are not there yet, but this vision clearly does not belong to the hazy future of science fiction.
Dozens of clinics in the United States, one of the least regulated markets for fertility services, already provide would-be parents in-depth profiles of potential sperm and egg donors.
Atlanta-based Xytex Corporation, for example, offers a long list of genetically-coded physical attributes, right down to the length of eyelashes, the presence of freckles and whether ear lobes are detached.
There is also a summary of the donor's medical history and for an additional fee personality and educational profiles, a personal essay and photos, as an adult and a baby.
Much of this information has no relation to genetic pedigree and even when it does, the result 'a human child' may not come out as advertised. But that has not dampened enthusiasm for the tests.
Most heterosexual couples shop in this market to compensate for either male or female infertility.
But there is nothing in science or, in some countries, law to prevent matching a donor egg with donor sperm to create an embryo that can be purchased and implanted in the buyer's womb.
This option was offered by at least one "embryo bank" in Texas before it reluctantly withdrew the procedure under an ethical firestorm.
Desirable traits
Even parents who don't need outside help to procreate may soon be clamouring for "preimplantation genetic diagnosis" of embryos to check not only for genetic defects and disease ? the original intent ? but also for sex and desirable traits as well, experts say.
"We need to look carefully at these selection technologies," said Marcy Darnovsky of the Center for Genetics and Society in Oakland, California.
"It is not bad to have a desire for a girl or a boy," she said by phone. "But in chatrooms and on bulletin board you can find moms, for example, that don't just want a girl, but a particular kind of girl ? 'I want to go shopping with her, play Barbie Dolls, paint her toenails pink'."
"What are they going to do if they don't get that kind of kid ? take her back?" she said.
An even more problematic scenario for some is the leap from genetic selection to genetic engineering.
That can happen in two ways. Gene therapy alters genes, for example, in a diseased organ in order to affect a cure.
But changes wrought by so-called germ-line therapy alter the blueprint itself, the human genome, and would thus be passed on to offspring.
"The pressure to change genes will probably come from parents wanting to guarantee their child is a boy or a girl, or to endow them with beauty, intelligence, musical talent or a sweet nature," notes Peter Ward, a scientist at the University of Washington and author of "Future Evolution".
For now, germ-line therapy is out of reach. But were science to master the genome, the temptation to tweak it to increase smarts, looks and longevity would be overwhelming, Ward argued last month in Science.
"One day, we will have it in our power to bring a new human species into this world," he said.
Not all researchers agree.
"I think that all of these worries are misplaced ? genetics is far too complex to allow for easy manipulation of human traits," said Steven Pinker, an evolutionary biologist at Harvard University.
Nearly all diseases and traits are determined not by one or two genes but the interaction of many, he pointed out.
There is no such thing, in other words, as a master gene for intelligence or musicality.
"I doubt that parents would take a risk greater than five percent that something would go wrong," he told AFP. "Testing is easy and safe. Manipulation is hard and risky."
Computer Generated Girls are coming
I’ve been watching videos and reading up on what went on at the Wireless Japan Expo 2008. As expected there was some crazy wireless technology on show by the Japanese, some of which are practical and useful. I will let you decide though it computer generated girls you poke, undress and play with falls into the practical or useful category.
Ladies and gentlemen meet Alice…one of the latest invention inventions from the greatest minds in Japan and when I say greatest minds in Japan I mean it, because Alice was invented and is being worked on by graduates from the prestigious Tokyo University as they research and perfect ways to interact with what they call augmented reality. Alice responses to interaction and coded cubes and you can play with her, undress her, giver her gifts and much more. It makes you wonder why they didn’t test it out on computer generated pets or something, but who am I to complain.
Alice and her friends are coming soon to Japan and then to the world not long after. Who wants to play with Alice? come on don’t be shy. I’d want one simply because she speaks Japanese and I’ve be slacking off on studying Japanese (again).
Watch Video of Alice in action
CG girls gone wild
Wireless Japan Expo 2008
Wireless Watch Japan
Alice and her friends are coming soon to Japan and then to the world not long after. Who wants to play with Alice? come on don’t be shy. I’d want one simply because she speaks Japanese and I’ve be slacking off on studying Japanese (again).
Watch Video of Alice in action
CG girls gone wild
Wireless Japan Expo 2008
Wireless Watch Japan
Brief van 'n Vrystaatse plaaskind
Liewe Ma en Pa,
Dit gaan goed met my en met julle?
Sê vir boetie Wouter en boetie Koos dat om in die Army te wees baie
lekkerder is as om vir Oom Piet te werk. Hulle moet sommer gou kom
aansluit voordat al die plekke gevul word.
Ek was eers baie ongemaklik omdat mens in die bed moet bly tot amper
06:00, maar nou geniet ek dit om so laat te kan slaap. Sê vir Wouter en
Koos al wat mens voor ontbyt moet doen, is om jou bed netjies en glad te
maak en goed blink te vryf. Nikse gevarke voer, koeie melk, mampoer meng
of braaihout kappery nie. Jy doen amper niks! Manne moet nog skeer, maar
dis nie so erg nie, want daars warm water.
Brekfis is sterk op vrugtesap, pap, eiers en bacon, maar minder sterk op
steaks, boerewors, tjops, aartappels en goed soos vetkoek. Maar sê vir
hulle jy kan altyd tussen twee dorpsjapies wat net van koffie leef, gaan
sit. Hulle kos plus joune hou mens darem vol tot twaalfuur toe wanneer jy
weer gevoer word.
Hierdie dorpsjapies kan nie juis ver stap nie. Ons gaan op roetemarse, wat
ons sal taai maak, sê die Sersant. As hy so dink is dit mos nie my plek om
hom reg te help nie. 'n Roetemars is omtrent so ver soos tot by ons
posbus by die huis. Dan kry die dorpsjapies seer voete en ons almal ry dan
terug in lorries. Die veld is mooi, maar baie plat.
Julle gaan julle morsdood lag as julle hiervan hoor. Ek bly medaljes kry
vir skiet. Ek weet nie hoekom nie. Die bulls-eye is net so groot soos 'n
dassie se kop en beweeg glad nie eers nie. En dit skiet nie eers terug
soos daai bleddie Venters van die buurplaas nie. Al wat jy moet doen is
om doodstil te lê en dit raak te skiet Jy hoef nie eers jou eie
ammunisie te maak nie, dit kom in bokse.
Dan is daar wat hulle noem "hand-to-hand combat training". Jy stoei met
die dorpsjapies van die stad af. Ek moet versigtig wees, want hulle kry
maklik seer. Dis nie soos om met ons ou bul, Swart Duiwel, by die huis te
stoei nie.
Ek is omtrent die beste wat hulle in hierdie peleton het, behalwe vir
Groot Jan Jordaan van die Bosveld. Hy het saam met my aangesluit. Maar ek
is omtrent 5 voet 6 en weeg 70kg en hy is 6 voet 8 en weeg maklik 150kg,
droë gewig.
Sê tog my boeties moet gou maak en aansluit voordat ander ouens uitvind
van die ongelooflike Army setup en aangestorm kom!
Julle liefdevolle dogter
Ester
Dit gaan goed met my en met julle?
Sê vir boetie Wouter en boetie Koos dat om in die Army te wees baie
lekkerder is as om vir Oom Piet te werk. Hulle moet sommer gou kom
aansluit voordat al die plekke gevul word.
Ek was eers baie ongemaklik omdat mens in die bed moet bly tot amper
06:00, maar nou geniet ek dit om so laat te kan slaap. Sê vir Wouter en
Koos al wat mens voor ontbyt moet doen, is om jou bed netjies en glad te
maak en goed blink te vryf. Nikse gevarke voer, koeie melk, mampoer meng
of braaihout kappery nie. Jy doen amper niks! Manne moet nog skeer, maar
dis nie so erg nie, want daars warm water.
Brekfis is sterk op vrugtesap, pap, eiers en bacon, maar minder sterk op
steaks, boerewors, tjops, aartappels en goed soos vetkoek. Maar sê vir
hulle jy kan altyd tussen twee dorpsjapies wat net van koffie leef, gaan
sit. Hulle kos plus joune hou mens darem vol tot twaalfuur toe wanneer jy
weer gevoer word.
Hierdie dorpsjapies kan nie juis ver stap nie. Ons gaan op roetemarse, wat
ons sal taai maak, sê die Sersant. As hy so dink is dit mos nie my plek om
hom reg te help nie. 'n Roetemars is omtrent so ver soos tot by ons
posbus by die huis. Dan kry die dorpsjapies seer voete en ons almal ry dan
terug in lorries. Die veld is mooi, maar baie plat.
Julle gaan julle morsdood lag as julle hiervan hoor. Ek bly medaljes kry
vir skiet. Ek weet nie hoekom nie. Die bulls-eye is net so groot soos 'n
dassie se kop en beweeg glad nie eers nie. En dit skiet nie eers terug
soos daai bleddie Venters van die buurplaas nie. Al wat jy moet doen is
om doodstil te lê en dit raak te skiet Jy hoef nie eers jou eie
ammunisie te maak nie, dit kom in bokse.
Dan is daar wat hulle noem "hand-to-hand combat training". Jy stoei met
die dorpsjapies van die stad af. Ek moet versigtig wees, want hulle kry
maklik seer. Dis nie soos om met ons ou bul, Swart Duiwel, by die huis te
stoei nie.
Ek is omtrent die beste wat hulle in hierdie peleton het, behalwe vir
Groot Jan Jordaan van die Bosveld. Hy het saam met my aangesluit. Maar ek
is omtrent 5 voet 6 en weeg 70kg en hy is 6 voet 8 en weeg maklik 150kg,
droë gewig.
Sê tog my boeties moet gou maak en aansluit voordat ander ouens uitvind
van die ongelooflike Army setup en aangestorm kom!
Julle liefdevolle dogter
Ester
ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE
Please Read all the way to the bottom: If you will take the time to read these. I promise you'll come away with an enlightened perspective. The subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis:
They're written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......
I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I’ve learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the one's you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
They're written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......
I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I’ve learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the one's you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
Flippen excellent..!!!!
An office manager was given the task of hiring an Individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked:
"What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man (A WHITE MAN), on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked the second man (A INDIAN MAN). "Hmm .... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ......that's a very popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to the third man (A BLACK MAN) who was contemplating his reply." Well, out at my dad's FARM, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch & way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an ant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. "The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" He said.
Turning to the fourth and final man (A COLOURED MAN), the interviewer posed the same question. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is
DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT , I had already kakked in my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB................
"What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man (A WHITE MAN), on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked the second man (A INDIAN MAN). "Hmm .... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ......that's a very popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to the third man (A BLACK MAN) who was contemplating his reply." Well, out at my dad's FARM, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch & way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an ant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. "The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" He said.
Turning to the fourth and final man (A COLOURED MAN), the interviewer posed the same question. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is
DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT , I had already kakked in my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB................
Gary Neville's World cup diary
Monday June 5
Gary Neville's England team arrived in Baden-Baden-Baden today and I looked very, very handsome in my suit (mum said) and definitely had the bestest moustache. I brought my guitar which I have been learning for three weeks and I can play all of Elton John's best songs, including 'I Guess That's Why They Call Us The Reds' and 'The Bitch Is Back', which I save for David's 'wife'. I asked David if he would sing 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' with me, but we argued about who would be Elton. We can't both be Kiki.
I am ringing Sir every hour with updates on Wayne. Thirty-seven minutes ago he ate four bratwursts.
Tuesday June 6
I have made an official complaint to the hotel manager about the pillows (too square). And the soap (not square enough). And the Bible (doesn't mention Sir). And the hand rail next to the bath (just don't like it). I have told Sven that I will go on strike if these things are not rectified and everyone knows right-back is the most important position on the whole pitch. Even in these silly summer warm-up tournaments before the serious business with the best club in the whole wide world ever begins in August. I can't wait.
Passed Frank Lamppost (hah) in the corridor - he'd been stood there an hour trying to get his key in the door.
Friday June 9
Rung Sir and told him Wayne has been kissing Coleen. Eurgh. Everyone knows girls smell. And he wasn't even wearing red! Sir said I must tell Wayne to get his priorities right, and I did. The banter is brlliant in Baden-Baden-Baden because Wayne told me to go "f*** yourself you snotty little c***". He's my favourite Scouser.
Mum says she won't fly out and bring my favourite pillow (boo). I protested the decision - but it doesn't work so well on the phone. I cried tonight because I miss her bedtime stories, especially when she reads Managing My Life and does Sir's voice.
I've asked David if he wants Gary Neville to do a rousing speech tomorrow. I brushed my moustache (a big job) in preparation and wrote something - 'I remember when rock was young - me and Susie had so much fun...' - but he said no. I like his hair now though.
Played pool with Frank. 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0 - I went to kiss my badge and do a sex action but I didn't have a badge because I wasn't wearing my jim-jams.
Saturday June 10
Gary Neville's England won and David was fantastic. But not as fantastic as me. I'm definitely the best right-back at this whole World Cup. Every manager must look at me and wish I was in their team. I expect Sir will have a lot of calls from people offering £10m or even £20m for me, but I will never leave the best team in the whole wide world ever ever.
As well as David, Rio was brilliant and I think he should have been man of the match. Instead it went to Frank and he wasted the champagne because he kept missing his mouth.
Gave Theo a Chinese burn after the game because Silly Billy Philly's not here.
Tuesday June 13
I cried today because everyone says I look like French frog Franck Ribery. But he's ugly and he doesn't even have a proper moustache.
Wednesday June 14
Sven says I can't play tomorrow because I've hurt my thigh. I didn't tell him I hurt it practising 'Rocket Man' with actions. The lads love my guitar-playing and say I should learn more songs. I had a special request for 'Touch My Bum' by the Cheeky Girls. I might do it in my jim-jams.
Thursday June 15
England were absolutely rubbish without Gary Neville, with that dirty Scouser Jamie Carragher (doesn't even have a 'tache) playing at right-back as if anyone can play there. It seems that Sven ignored my 3-5-2 formation suggestion to get round that 'who can replace Gary Neville at right-back?' question. David then played at right-back though and he was the second-best right-back I've ever, ever seen.
Sir told me to try and stop Wayne coming on, but he's bigger than me and threatened to knot the toggles of my jim-jams together while I was asleep.
Saturday June 17
The rest of the boys went to see their WAGs (like wagging tails on dogs, geddit?) so I did my Man United jigsaw while wearing my Man United kit. I gathered quite a crowd in the lobby - I'm definitely everybody's favourite England player.
Tuesday June 20
Sat on the bench again (boo) but at least Rio and Wayne came to sit with me in the second half, though Wayne was a little bit angry even when I offered him a bite of my Curly-Wurly. England were rubbish, especially Carragher, and only David and Rio were good at defending set-pieces. The whole defence falls apart without Gary Neville...it's like having only one Krankie.
Michael hurt his knee. That's what you get for being Scouse.
Friday June 23
Back in training today. Told Sven that I'm ready to play against Equatorial New Guinea - up front if he needs me - but he says I should save myself. He knows he has a precious stone. Sir's not answering my calls anymore - he must have lost his phone. Can't wait to get back and give him his Baden-Baden-Baden tea-towel. And doilie.
Watched Frank take out three windows, four cars and one assistant coach (silly Tord) with his shooting practise.
Sunday June 25
This time the silly moose with the funny hair played at right-back! I'm so angry I could go on strike. He was rubbish and England were all rubbish apart from Rio and David and Wayne, who were brilliant. But thankfully for them Gary Neville will be back for the next game. I expect the papers back home have had prayer mats with pictures of my thigh for the England fans - some of which aren't even Man United fans despite the fact that we've won every Premiership title (nearly). Silly, silly monkeys.
Tuesday, June 27
I think I have the best moustache in Germany. Maybe not the bushiest right now (I've been stressed) but definitely the bestest.
Friday June 30
Played 'Touch My Bum' to a very excited audience tonight - not just the players, but the staff of the hotel, who all brought their friends. Everyone was smiling. If England are as successful tomorrow against Portugal it will all be over by half-time.
Must remember to ring mum and get her to tape the game - I always look so handsome when they play that song. I still don't know why they don't play 'Come on You Reds' or at least something by Simply Red. I shall ask that man Brian again.
Saturday July 1
It's not fair. It's just not fair. It's really, really, really not fair. How can they blame poor Cristiano when it was clearly that nasty Chelsea man who put his winkle in the way of poor Wayne's foot to get him sent off. I said some harsh words, I can tell you. Hope he didn't hear them.
David hurt himself and I was the captain - it nearly made me do a sex wee putting on that band that had been round David's strong arm. I was brilliant as captain. It's because I was captain that I didn't think I should take a penalty. Rio said it was because I was a scaredy-cat but it was really because I was being the captain. It's a shame because I would have scored the 11th one.
Of course, no Man United players missed penalties - just two dirty Scousers and Frank, who had taken an hour to hit his boot with his foot before the game.
The good news is that Wayne and Rio and me will be well rested for the real football.
Sunday July 2
I cried when David cried. I shall be captain now though. I shall need a bigger moustache. And some new jim-jams with a star like a sheriff. Bang bang.
http://evild.blogspot.com
Gary Neville's England team arrived in Baden-Baden-Baden today and I looked very, very handsome in my suit (mum said) and definitely had the bestest moustache. I brought my guitar which I have been learning for three weeks and I can play all of Elton John's best songs, including 'I Guess That's Why They Call Us The Reds' and 'The Bitch Is Back', which I save for David's 'wife'. I asked David if he would sing 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' with me, but we argued about who would be Elton. We can't both be Kiki.
I am ringing Sir every hour with updates on Wayne. Thirty-seven minutes ago he ate four bratwursts.
Tuesday June 6
I have made an official complaint to the hotel manager about the pillows (too square). And the soap (not square enough). And the Bible (doesn't mention Sir). And the hand rail next to the bath (just don't like it). I have told Sven that I will go on strike if these things are not rectified and everyone knows right-back is the most important position on the whole pitch. Even in these silly summer warm-up tournaments before the serious business with the best club in the whole wide world ever begins in August. I can't wait.
Passed Frank Lamppost (hah) in the corridor - he'd been stood there an hour trying to get his key in the door.
Friday June 9
Rung Sir and told him Wayne has been kissing Coleen. Eurgh. Everyone knows girls smell. And he wasn't even wearing red! Sir said I must tell Wayne to get his priorities right, and I did. The banter is brlliant in Baden-Baden-Baden because Wayne told me to go "f*** yourself you snotty little c***". He's my favourite Scouser.
Mum says she won't fly out and bring my favourite pillow (boo). I protested the decision - but it doesn't work so well on the phone. I cried tonight because I miss her bedtime stories, especially when she reads Managing My Life and does Sir's voice.
I've asked David if he wants Gary Neville to do a rousing speech tomorrow. I brushed my moustache (a big job) in preparation and wrote something - 'I remember when rock was young - me and Susie had so much fun...' - but he said no. I like his hair now though.
Played pool with Frank. 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0 - I went to kiss my badge and do a sex action but I didn't have a badge because I wasn't wearing my jim-jams.
Saturday June 10
Gary Neville's England won and David was fantastic. But not as fantastic as me. I'm definitely the best right-back at this whole World Cup. Every manager must look at me and wish I was in their team. I expect Sir will have a lot of calls from people offering £10m or even £20m for me, but I will never leave the best team in the whole wide world ever ever.
As well as David, Rio was brilliant and I think he should have been man of the match. Instead it went to Frank and he wasted the champagne because he kept missing his mouth.
Gave Theo a Chinese burn after the game because Silly Billy Philly's not here.
Tuesday June 13
I cried today because everyone says I look like French frog Franck Ribery. But he's ugly and he doesn't even have a proper moustache.
Wednesday June 14
Sven says I can't play tomorrow because I've hurt my thigh. I didn't tell him I hurt it practising 'Rocket Man' with actions. The lads love my guitar-playing and say I should learn more songs. I had a special request for 'Touch My Bum' by the Cheeky Girls. I might do it in my jim-jams.
Thursday June 15
England were absolutely rubbish without Gary Neville, with that dirty Scouser Jamie Carragher (doesn't even have a 'tache) playing at right-back as if anyone can play there. It seems that Sven ignored my 3-5-2 formation suggestion to get round that 'who can replace Gary Neville at right-back?' question. David then played at right-back though and he was the second-best right-back I've ever, ever seen.
Sir told me to try and stop Wayne coming on, but he's bigger than me and threatened to knot the toggles of my jim-jams together while I was asleep.
Saturday June 17
The rest of the boys went to see their WAGs (like wagging tails on dogs, geddit?) so I did my Man United jigsaw while wearing my Man United kit. I gathered quite a crowd in the lobby - I'm definitely everybody's favourite England player.
Tuesday June 20
Sat on the bench again (boo) but at least Rio and Wayne came to sit with me in the second half, though Wayne was a little bit angry even when I offered him a bite of my Curly-Wurly. England were rubbish, especially Carragher, and only David and Rio were good at defending set-pieces. The whole defence falls apart without Gary Neville...it's like having only one Krankie.
Michael hurt his knee. That's what you get for being Scouse.
Friday June 23
Back in training today. Told Sven that I'm ready to play against Equatorial New Guinea - up front if he needs me - but he says I should save myself. He knows he has a precious stone. Sir's not answering my calls anymore - he must have lost his phone. Can't wait to get back and give him his Baden-Baden-Baden tea-towel. And doilie.
Watched Frank take out three windows, four cars and one assistant coach (silly Tord) with his shooting practise.
Sunday June 25
This time the silly moose with the funny hair played at right-back! I'm so angry I could go on strike. He was rubbish and England were all rubbish apart from Rio and David and Wayne, who were brilliant. But thankfully for them Gary Neville will be back for the next game. I expect the papers back home have had prayer mats with pictures of my thigh for the England fans - some of which aren't even Man United fans despite the fact that we've won every Premiership title (nearly). Silly, silly monkeys.
Tuesday, June 27
I think I have the best moustache in Germany. Maybe not the bushiest right now (I've been stressed) but definitely the bestest.
Friday June 30
Played 'Touch My Bum' to a very excited audience tonight - not just the players, but the staff of the hotel, who all brought their friends. Everyone was smiling. If England are as successful tomorrow against Portugal it will all be over by half-time.
Must remember to ring mum and get her to tape the game - I always look so handsome when they play that song. I still don't know why they don't play 'Come on You Reds' or at least something by Simply Red. I shall ask that man Brian again.
Saturday July 1
It's not fair. It's just not fair. It's really, really, really not fair. How can they blame poor Cristiano when it was clearly that nasty Chelsea man who put his winkle in the way of poor Wayne's foot to get him sent off. I said some harsh words, I can tell you. Hope he didn't hear them.
David hurt himself and I was the captain - it nearly made me do a sex wee putting on that band that had been round David's strong arm. I was brilliant as captain. It's because I was captain that I didn't think I should take a penalty. Rio said it was because I was a scaredy-cat but it was really because I was being the captain. It's a shame because I would have scored the 11th one.
Of course, no Man United players missed penalties - just two dirty Scousers and Frank, who had taken an hour to hit his boot with his foot before the game.
The good news is that Wayne and Rio and me will be well rested for the real football.
Sunday July 2
I cried when David cried. I shall be captain now though. I shall need a bigger moustache. And some new jim-jams with a star like a sheriff. Bang bang.
http://evild.blogspot.com
Logic
Tebogo turns to Nico and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college
and sign up for some classes." Nico agrees that it's a good idea.
The next day, Tebogo goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English,
History and Logic.
"Logic?" Tebogo asks, "what's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a lawnmower?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a lawnmower, I think that
you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house!"
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual."
"I am heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a lawnmower."
Excited to take the class now, Tebogo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves
to go meet Nico at the bar. He tells Nico about his classes, how he has
signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Nico says, "What's that?"
"I'll show you," says Tebogo. "Do you have a lawnmower?"
"No."
"Then you're gay....."
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